I see TSA is hiring again. That’s no surprise. It’s a tough job to do for very long. They cycle through so many employees, airports should have revolving doors.
I survived working for them for about a year. Most of the traveling public hates all the TSOs – the Transportation Security Officers. Traveling is stressful. No one likes to stand in long lines like they’re at the DMV or an amusement park without a FastPass to jump to the front of the line.
Ouchiee Waa Waa, My Eyes Are Burning
You would not want to be up close and personal with some of the passengers. Imagine having to deal with funk nasty shoes, and foot stench that could peel paint off prison walls. Or passengers that smell like sweaty nether regions, ashtrays, and cheap whiskey from the night prior or breath so rancid, HAZMAT should be called in.
Uncouth and Not Very Bright
As if the foul odors weren’t bad enough, disrespect and foolishness just fly out of their pie holes.
Everyone’s a comedian talking about having bomb in their bag and looking like terrorists. For the record, Yes, you DO look like a terrorist, Einstein. Remember STRANGER DANGER? Anyone can look like a bad guy.
I don’t care if the airport in Paducah Kentucky let you travel with your pocket knife. I can’t speak to their screening accuracy, but considering they have a population of 25,000, and only five last names, it’s not surprising they didn’t catch your Swiss Army Knife.
I’m sorry Princess, but no we do not have slippers for you to wear once you remove your shoes. Our concierge stepped out on a break.
Remember when I just asked if you removed all metal from your pockets? Ya, that includes your cell phone. I take it you’re not a card carrying Mensa member?
After I explain the pat down procedure to you and then ask if you have any questions, “Have fun” and “You’re Nasty!” are not the proper responses. My idea of fun does not include patting down an unwilling stranger’s ass, especially one who has nervous travel stomach. But that is nasty.
Asking “Do you know who I am?” will not get you a free pass on screening. You’ll either get “Yes, Senator, now please put your jacket in the bin.” Or “Does anyone know this man? He doesn’t seem to know who he is.”
Contrary to common lore, TSA does not confiscate anything. All passengers are given the options to Check it, Mail it or Surrender it aka: I’ll be happy to throw your shit in the trash so you don’t miss your flight. Most choose to surrender, then complain TSA confiscated it.
Packed Everything But Their Brain.
You would not believe some of the things people have TRIED to bring through the checkpoint and send through the x-ray machine: A baby while strapped in a car seat … a real baby, Service Animals – a hedgehog, gerbils, fish in a bowl, sea snails, of course guns, and a fueled chain saw.
Some passengers I will never forget. Like the woman with a prosthetic leg that was attached at her pelvis, so we had to go into private screening so she could drop-trou to verify. Or the man who requested private screening of his duffel bag because he had a baggie of human teeth in his backpack.
Boxing Champion Floyd Mayweather tried to carry his METAL championship boxing belt though the METAL detector. He must have taken too many blows to his noggin.
During a bag check, a TSO (not me!) held up a leather cock ring, an item she was CLEARLY unfamiliar with because she yelled across the checkpoint back to the x-ray operator “IT’S JUST A BABY BRACELET!”
Working on the checkpoint is like Big Brother with cameras everywhere. Feels like you’re a casino dealer being watched. Y’know how dealers in Vegas clear their hands to the camera to show they don’t have any chips and that they are leaving empty handed? That’s exactly how most TSOs feel. Someone leaves a nickel behind in the dog bowl, and no officers will touch it. Palms up, palms down, clap. After pawing through someone’s carry-on, and shoving the items back in – Palms up, palms down, clap.
Think about the similarities. Both play games of chance with Old Maid, Crazy 8, Strip Poker, Caribbean Stud, and Slot Machines. Casinos have card shoes, passengers have to remove their shoes. Craps dealers look for shooters. TSOs look at crapped-in underpants. Casinos have whales. Some PAX are whales. Casino dealers like it when they get tips. TSOs do not want to feel a tip, even with the back of the hand.
Now for those passengers who are feeling lonely and WANT extra screening, here’s how to accomplish that:
Take a flash photo of the TSO with your phone just as you scan your electronic boarding pass.
After passing through the metal detector to reclaim your items from the X-ray belt, leave behind your Koran and worry beads.
Pack meat, cheese, or fudge in your carry-on since it looks like C4 on the x-ray.
Wear your hair in a ponytail or man bun. The machines can’t see through that mass, so you’ll get the touchy feely squeeze – everywhere – because they can’t just focus on the area they couldn’t clear.
Same goes for wearing a long skirt. They have to be able to get all up in your bits and family jewels, “to the point of resistance.” That can’t be accomplished if you’re wearing a long skirt, so you’ll get a trip to private screening – unless you’re a bit of an exhibitionist, then refuse the private screening and let the TSO launch their United Resistance Campaign out in the open at the checkpoint.
If you’d enjoy feeling up uncouth, not too bright passengers, who smell like an outhouse on a tuna boat, WHILE having your every move filmed, apply today. TSA continues to look for dedicated people with the skills and desire to protect transportation security.
Laurie Laughlin: Funny Motivational Humorist Speaker
Laurie Laughlin, is a Funny Motivational Speaker who lost her parents and her home at a young age, lost a job that she truly enjoyed, lost her health, her entire life savings, and she even lost the ability to trust and to feel safe. But the one thing she never lost is her sense of humor.
With a degree in Homeland Security, background in lie detecting, direct sales, and stand up comedy, she now enjoys her days as a corporate keynote speaker.
In her most requested program about resilience, Laurie shows audiences how they can use laughter to push through difficult times to keep going despite setbacks and challenges.
Laurie loves her basset hounds, strong coffee, crossword puzzles, and witty banter.
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