I just figured out why babies cry on airplanes. They’re used to having much more legroom in utero.
I recently returned from another excursion. Those who have been following the my Airline Adventures know that it’s never a dull flight when I board (or attempt to board) a commercial aircraft.
Some of the past highlights include falling asleep across three seats sans seat-belt, and then falling onto the floor during the landing, THUD!; and having an American Airline gate agent slam the door literally in my face telling me I was too late to board that flight.
Not surprisingly, this jaunt wasn’t without memorable happenings. Amazingly nothing major happened, yet the plane people provided plenty of fodder. Allow me to share a few of those characters who made honorable mention. In no particular order:
While sitting in the terminal waiting to board the last leg of my journey I was startled by the announcement over the loud speaker. “WHOOO’S READY TO FLY?” If memory serves me I do believe he repeated it again, with even more eccentricity. “WHOOO’S READY TO FLY?” Maybe this was one of those events where you needed to be there; but typically the announcement is something more professional and informative: “Good Afternoon. Now boarding United Airlines, Flight 123 for Indianapolis, starting with those who need extra time as well as our Premiere passengers.”
The high-pitched “WHOOO’S READY TO FLY?” reminded me of one of my many jobs as a restaurant hostess. I was a young filly who entertained myself by announcing into the loud speaker, “Toga Party of 4. Toga party, your table is ready.”
Tammy Faye Wanna-Be.
Did you ever notice that when you just want some peace and quiet that you’re seated next to Chatty Cathy? How does that happen? It had been a long day of travel. It was late and I still had one more leg to accomplish before reaching my final destination. Seated next to me was a Tammy Faye Baker wanna-be. This woman had big hair, shellacked with Auqa-net and lots of poorly applied barn paint. If you’re not hip to this look – just flip on an episode of Jesus-TV and you should find someone who fits this bill.
She and her gal-pal would not shut up. Yap, yap, yap. For the love of Peter, take a breath and just stop talking. I really didn’t need to know she had a “cat that peed all over the place.” I definitely didn’t need to know that “her pussy cried owie.” I really just needed a fork to stick in my eye. Unfortunately due to budget cuts, the airline no longer has sporks available for just such occasion.
Speaking of airlines that no longer supply basic necessities; did you know that United Airlines no longer offers peanuts or pretzels? Another casualty of budget cuts. But here’s the rub, while I was fully prepared to purchase a $6 banana and a $12.95 cup of yogurt from the airport kiosk before I boarded (because apparently I have more dollars than sense) unfortunately due to the ever so common delay in landing and nearly missing my connection, there wasn’t even time to tap a kidney let alone stop for nourishment.
I was indeed happy to have landed in my seat, yet I was absolutely famished. You could say I was so hungry I could eat the asshole out of a skunk!
Lo and behold, the ladies sitting next to me were having a lovely picnic. They hauled out a banana, chocolate covered peanuts, muffins and trail mix. The couple seated across the aisle from me were having freshly baked sandwiches and chips that they apparently had time to pay $26 at the kiosk before they boarded. The lady in front of me was dining on a bag of grease, I mean McDonald’s. I was surrounded by people who were eating and wafting their aroma my way. As for me, I snacked on the SkyMall magazine. It wasn’t that bad, really.
Two gents seated in front of me where enjoying a number of $6 per Budwiser beverages. At one point Aisle Man got up to depart toward the rear lavatory. As he returned to his seat, I couldn’t help but notice he smelled like he’d crapped his pants or maybe he was too hammered to remember to wipe. Something. But ouchie waa waa, my eyes were burning. Dude, that was so inconsiderate.
Seated behind me and across that aisle was Funny Man. Nothing spectacular about this older gentleman other than he was friendly and made me laugh, so I thought worthy of mention. He was a welcomed treat, compared to all the other freaks on the plane.
As the passengers were still making their way to their seats, he picked up the two ends of the seatbelt and said, “Oh oh. Security, we have a problem.” He was holding both of the outties of the seatbelt, one of his and one from the adjacent seat. Maybe I was slap happy but I thought it was funny. He also announced that he may start snoring and if he did to use a squirt gun on him, as that worked on his dog. Alrighty then.
Talk Me Down.
Across the aisle, window seat, sat a man approximately mid- to late- 40s. Next to him, aisle seat, was another man and a two year old daughter occupying the same seat. Not long after, a beautiful young woman, in her mid 20s switched seats with the father/daughter so that they could each have a seat. Aww that was thoughtful of her. For the next hour I had a front row seat to the performance. By performance I mean listening to the man hit on the young lady. Boy he was pulling out all the stops and laying it on thick. I tuned out and buried myself in my crossword.
However I couldn’t help overhear as the man was profusely thanking the woman for “talking him down” as they landed. He proceeded to explain how he was petrified to fly. That may have been the case, but he showed absolutely no signs of distress as he was flirting with her most of the entire flight. It was only as the flight was coming to an end that he was looking for a way to be indebted to her and get her contact information. No, no … that wasn’t at all obvious, pal.
As mentioned earlier, there are no longer any snacks available in the cheap seats. I felt for the flight attendants who were on the enemy line of having to explain this corporate decision. As a consolation prize they repeatedly offered passengers tomato juice or Bloody Mary mix as it tended to fill them up more than any other beverage.
The lady immediately next to me, across the aisle, was obviously famished too as she threw two cans of Bloody Mary mix down her gullet. Yet she didn’t just guzzle them, no no. She had to slurp and slurp loudly. You know what I’m talking about – the obnoxious noise that if your own child was doing it you’d go off on him. SSSLLLUUURRRPPPPPPP. And then repeat. SSSLLLUUURRRPPPPPPP. For the love of Peter woman! Here, take a bite of my SkyMall magazine, just STOP slurping.
As we made our final descent, flight attendant Robert inquisitively skipped up and down the aisle, holding a garbage bag: “Rubbish?” “Rubbish?” “Have you any rubbish?” “Rubbish?” “Rubbish?” “Have you any rubbish?”
Yes Bobby, I think we got it, you’re looking for last minute cups and napkins so that we can put up our tray tables and bring our seats into the upright position, just in case we crash and burn on the landing. If anyone has anything to dispose of, I think when they see you sauntering with the Glad bag, they’ll get the idea. To think otherwise is just pure RUBBISH!
As long as I’m ragging on the flight attendants, I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention the old lady crew member who bathed in the most offensive, odiferous, poor-excuse-for-perfume. I had to literally hold my breath every time she walked past. Apparently she failed to recognize that we were all being held hostage in an airtight vessel, no bigger than the size a broom closet.
Or the young stewardess who was obviously absent the day they went over make-up application in flight crew school. Whoa sister, far too much eye makeup. You look like a baby raccoon that was playing in mommy’s cosmetic bag. And last but not least, there was the veteran flight attendant, who announced that she’d been flying since 1987. She was very jovial and I found nothing offensive or disturbing about her, that is – until … Until she announced that “the pilot has informed the flight attendants to take their seats and if the passengers had any medical emergency to ring the call button”. (As if anyone was having a heart attack he’d be able to reach up for the button).
Moments later, two rows up, apparently a woman was having low blood sugar, so the veteran sky hostess did what any good crew member would, and brought her some peanuts. PEANUTS!? Aha! So you DO have peanuts back there in the galley! So much for No Nut November.
Suddenly I had the urge to feign low blood sugar just to get some nuts. Alas, I didn’t do that. Rather I opted to hold onto that little charade for my next flight!
All in all, it was a spectacular voyage in the friendly skies. I am tucked safely back at home and if you’ll excuse me, I am getting ready, to get ready, to do post-trip laundry.
Laurie Laughlin: Funny Motivational Humorist Speaker
Laurie Laughlin, is a Funny Motivational Speaker who lost her parents and her home at a young age, lost a job that she truly enjoyed, lost her health, her entire life savings, and she even lost the ability to trust and to feel safe. But the one thing she never lost is her sense of humor.
With a degree in Homeland Security, background in lie detecting, direct sales, and stand up comedy, she now enjoys her days as a corporate keynote speaker.
In her most requested program about resilience, Laurie shows audiences how they can use laughter to push through difficult times to keep going despite setbacks and challenges.
Laurie loves her basset hounds, strong coffee, crossword puzzles, and witty banter.
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